There are so many factors that go into where you live, who you live with, what type of dwelling you have, how big it is, etc. And everyone all over the world can say things they love and hate about where they live (yes even people on private islands complain that its lonely). Regardless of your living situation, often times its your outlook on your situation that can influence your decision to change it or embrace it. And when considering a change, its important to always look at the pros and the cons, how you would benefit, and what are the pitfalls of this idea. This list of pros and cons can be done for anything, but it’s especially important if you are considering a big move, or an even bigger change.. moving in with your family in a multigenerational house. I made that list, and while mine will always look different than yours, there might be some similarities or things you might have overlooked.
I’ll rip the band aid off and talk about the biggest negative that many people think about right off the bat – not having any privacy. This is true, your living room, dining and kitchen are shared spaces, with many people. You won’t be able to sit quietly on a Saturday morning and sip coffee at the dining room table alone. You will be joined by a family member, your child, your brother, a dog, guaranteed. You won’t be able to watch what you want on TV on Master’s Sunday, or any Sunday for that matter. You won’t be able to keep the pantry arranged just the way you want it. You won’t be able to sit outside and read without someone joining you and having a full-blown conversation with you about cremation and where to spread their ashes. And the biggest one of all, and a deal breaker for many (trust me, I get it!) is being naked in your own house — say goodbye to that (unless your Grandpa or Dillon and just don’t care).
But if you are in a committed relationship and especially if you have children or pets, you are already dealing with some of these issues. So, is adding a few more family members all that bad?
Here are other positives that helped us make the decision to move into a multigenerational home;
- Financial savings. Because we have combined our families under one roof on one property, there are significant cost savings. We split all our utilities, food and travel expenses and this helps keep costs down for my family members that are on fixed incomes. We operate the compound like a business (more on that soon!) and conduct meetings regularly to review expenses and the budget and to have healthy discussions about any issues or grievances we might have.
- Caregiving support. Both my parents are caregivers to my autistic adult brother Dillon. My mom’s parents are 94 and 86 and are starting to struggle with basic needs. Enter my family with two small children, there are lots of people to care for. Sharing those responsibilities amongst everyone helps to spread the load, and allows for caregivers to have breaks, help out on other projects around the compound, and take a moment to themselves. More on this topic soon!
- The Compound. Where you cohabitate with your family makes all the difference. Living in a smaller home where your shared spaces are a little tight is not ideal, and sometimes you must make do with you what you have. If you are on the hunt for a multigenerational home, make sure your list of must haves includes something for everyone. We found our dream compound, and it checked a key component for everyone. Read more about our compound here.
- Love and support. Living with your parents and grandparents and raising your children is an incredible experience. You are constantly surrounded by the people who love you most all of the time, and your everyday memories get to be shared with everyone. You get to watch your grandfather share his orange with your son, as they talk about which tractor he’ll play with in the sandbox outside. You get to walk past your mother and grandmother having a heart to heart or watch your father and mother dance slowly next to the Christmas tree. These little moments of our family together is what makes it all worthwhile.
Now that I’ve painted a picture of all of us being so happy and bubbly and lovey, I’ll talk about the cons, which are also plentiful;
- Lack of consistency. When raising children, you know you and your partner have to be on the same page, or else the little demon will find your weakness and exploit it to get away with whatever they can. They are of course testing boundaries, and testing whose boundaries go the farthest. And in a multigenerational house, there are lots of boundaries to test. Grandpa is the easiest by far. It was Christmas time and Sam was a year and a half and he waddled up to Grandpa who was sipping on a espresso martini (Matt had made them, it was a thing for a while) and asked Grandpa for a sip and he looked at Sam and smiled and said “sure!” and leaned the cup into his mouth to give him a sip. I quickly yelled “Grandpa – don’t give him alcohol” from across the room and he looked up at me and laughed and said, “yeah I guess you’re right” and pulled it away from him and took a sip himself. Needless to say, Matt and I have our work cut out for us.
- Coming to a consensus. We operate the compound like a democracy – everyone gets a vote, except Dillon and Grandpa because they are just residents (which doesn’t actually sound like a democracy, but they don’t care to vote anyway). With 5 voices, we are sometimes not always on the same page. We do honor the majority, which I appreciate, but when you are on the losing end of a decision that you now must live with in your own house, it hurts. Of course, tensions between family members rise here, and feuds can last for days. It can spill over into dinner, chores we split, how we interact with everyone else. Fighting with your family is never fun, but now that you live with them it becomes a more common thing (more on that here).
- Having bad days. When you are having a bad day in a multigenerational house, everyone knows. Its easy to hide your emotions and recheck yourself in the comfort of your own home, but now you have to do it with everyone around you. My mother is the best and sniffing out people’s moods, and asking all of the nosey questions that you feel obliged to answer because she is your mother. But now you are telling her about your marital woes with a man she also lives with or complaining about your father because of something he said or did. Its not just me, she does this to everyone. So now instead of keeping those things between you and your partner, your mother also knows, and so your father will know. And then Grandma will know, and she will tell Grandpa but he either can’t hear or doesn’t care. Dillon doesn’t care either, thank god. He is another source of my bad days, but more on that later.
There are tons of other positives and negatives about living in a multigenerational home. That list of those pros and cons must be developed by you to determine if that is the right living situation for you (if you have the choice). If you don’t, I hope you make the best of it, because there is so much joy in togetherness, regardless of the pros and cons.