Setting boundaries with one and other is often a challenge for us. We often have good intentions by allowing those boundaries to be broken and then become frustrated with ourselves when we give in yet again. Here at the Compound, setting boundaries is essential for survival. Some of us set boundaries and hold them better than others. My husband and I are what I’d call “experts” and there is no middle ground but absolute perfection. On the other hand, my parents and grandparents are at the “fuck it” stage of their lives, where they don’t care what you claim your “boundaries” are and what rules you might have in place.
Setting boundaries is critical for living with anyone, but especially important when living with your parents. If they are like my parents, they know no boundaries, therefore establishing them and asking them to abide them is a never-ending chore. Here are my suggestions for how to set and maintain healthy boundaries with your loved ones in a living situation;
- Establish a schedule; this helps everyone know where you are at and if you have “me time” on your schedule then people should leave you alone (in theory). When someone wants your time during your me time, ask them to come back in 30 minutes or whenever you are done. Be firm, you don’t have a lot of alone time in a multigenerational household (or being a mom for that matter) so hold onto your time and don’t give it to anyone (unless there is blood). See more about our schedule making here.
- Write it down; if you have rules that your household agrees to, write them down and post them for everyone to see. You can tape it to the kitchen wall or print it and put it in a frame and hang it in the family room, some place visible all the time. This helps reinforce the rules of the house and helps to ensure the boundaries you write in are met. We used to keep ours in the utility room and no one could see them. Now they are displayed in our command center (see more here)
- Talk about the hard stuff; if your family members are not respecting your boundaries then say something. Do it in a manner that is firm and kind and always provide examples to support how those actions made you feel. Living with a large group of people and sharing the most intimate spaces with them is challenging, so be sure to talk about how you feel as it is important you feel comfortable in your own home.
- Think about compromises; if for some reason your rule or your boundary keeps being broken, consider reevaluating and consider other strategies, tactics and ways to approach the situation. For example, our cleaning schedule keeps getting reevaluated because certain members do their chores and others do not. We reevaluate to see if those who do not do their chores need other ones that would be more enjoyable, easier, etc. Or, as my grandmother has gotten older, she randomly decides she does not want to do certain things any longer, so we revaluated the chores around the house and redivided them among those able bodied and willing.
Its not always easy to live with a lot of people under one roof, spanning the ages of 8 months to 94 years old. The needs are varied, and the personalities more diverse. Making sure that everyone gets along under one roof and making it an enjoyable living environment takes work on everyone’s part. But if you establish rules, have opportunities for communicating feelings, and create a flexible and enjoyable environment your home will run like a well-oiled machine.